Stick cocktail sticks in their eyes until they beg for mercy

Hey! It looks like 2008 is already off to a good start. This is absolutely hilarious:

TV presenter Jeremy Clarkson has lost money after publishing his bank details in his newspaper column. The Top Gear host revealed his account numbers after rubbishing the furore over the loss of 25 million people’s personal details on two computer discs.

He wanted to prove the story was a fuss about nothing. But Clarkson admitted he was “wrong” after discovered a reader had used the details to create a ?500 direct debit to the charity Diabetes UK.

I should probably add that there is no suggestion that Diabetes UK had anything to do with this. I only wish the person who’d done it had donated to anti-speeding cause or Friends of the Earth, but you can’t have everything. In perhaps a telling proof that people will prefer to think via their wallets and not their brains, as for once Clarkson has actually changed his mind about something:

Clarkson now says of the case: “Contrary to what I said at the time, we must go after the idiots who lost the discs and stick cocktail sticks in their eyes until they beg for mercy.”

How refreshing, Jeremy. Now – about this global warming thing…

8 thoughts on “Stick cocktail sticks in their eyes until they beg for mercy

  1. Did you see that Top Gear special where he and that James bloke drove to the North Pole in a 4×4, and Richard Hammond went on a dog sled, to see who’d win? At the end (the 4×4 won) Clarkson said that having driven across the North Pole, it was clear to him that all this talk about the polar ice caps melting was rubbish, that we’d barely “scratched the surface”, and that this was the “inconvenient truth”. It’s good to see that he’s able to dismiss countless volumes of mutually supportive empirical scientific evidence in favour of a quick look around in a 4×4. And then to crowbar in the Al Gore phrase. Prick.

  2. Thing is, he’s not actually going to have lost a penny. All he has to do is go to his bank, get them to do a standard direct debit indemnity reclaim, and five days later the ?500 is back.

    Of course, that’s a dreadfully boring thing to write about. I nearly dropped off merely typing that first paragraph. So it’s never going to make the story.

  3. It’s a shame they didn’t clear out his entire account, declare him bankrupt and repossess his jeans, before making him sleep in the boot of a 2CV.

    You see you have to make up your mind. Do you prefer the HFW’s of this world making (ham-fisted) attempts at campaigning for animal welfare or the Jeremy Clarksons for whom any campaign that doesn’t involve burning more fuel and telling environmentalists to lose the first six letters and then fuck off is a cissy, liberal, waste of good carbon dioxide.

    Clarkson would probably suggest torching the entire contents of Fearnley-Whittingstall’s shed so that the chickens come pre-roasted.

  4. The thing is, that the “personal data” that he gave out to get himself in this mess were:

    1) His account number.

    2) His local branch’s sort code.

    3) Information that a sensible person could follow to his cardholder address.

    Has anyone ever bought anything through eBay, to be delivered to home, and paid by cheque? If so, you’ve done exactly the same.

    He SHOULD be right. That he isn’t shows a pretty effing huge problem with his bank, who are supposed to send a confirmation letter before paying out any new Direct Debit.

    “The bank cannot find out who did this because of the Data Protection Act and they cannot stop it from happening again.”

    But you can, Jeremy, by telling your bank that you’re taking your money to someone who isn’t a complete shower.

  5. Thing is, Iain, this quote from JC…

    ?The bank cannot find out who did this because of the Data Protection Act and they cannot stop it from happening again.?

    …is, in fact, unadulterated bollocks. The DPA has nothing to do with this, and as the *actual* accountholder, he certainly can stop it happening again. And the DD indemnity scheme means he could claim back every penny.

    However, as I commented above, this doesn’t make quite such entertaining copy.

  6. I sincerely hope he soon publishes his full home address and alarm codes in a bid to prove that such information could never lead to him getting hacked to death with a machete.

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