Two alternate views on the forthcoming local elections have given food for thought. Justin of Chicken Yoghurt says that we should spoil our ballot papers, while Chris of Stumbling & Mumbling says not voting is the way forward. And I’ve been mulling it ever since, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it truly is like the proverbial rock and a hard place.

Both Chris and Justin are right, when they say the alternative solution will be spun by politicians to mask the true situation. Spoilt papers can be attributed to nutters or those who disagree with the democratic process itself (even if Justin’s excellent suggestion of using stickers to spoil is used, as very few people will ever see the ballot papers collated together). Meanwhile, not voting at all will be portrayed as contentment. The horrible truth is that neither accomplish very much - it’s not as if when more people spoil their vote than the “winning” candidate gets, or turnout is below a quorum level, a ward or constituency does not return a representative (maybe such rules should apply, I don’t see a good reason not to).

I can think of one reason to prefer spoiling over not showing: the most usual “remedy” for low turnout is compulsory voting; as well as being a total affront to the idea of voting being a matter of choice, it is an admission of total failure by the political establishment: “We have failed as political parties to engage you in politics, but rather than take a good look at ourselves and change, we’ll just force you.” (same goes for the state funding of political parties). It attacks symptoms, not cause, even though the cause is staring you in the face.

(As an aside, there’s evidence that compulsory voting leads to the person at the top of the ballot having a greater chance of success. So much for making an informed decision)

So, compulsory voting is just plain wrong, and to give the political parties an opportunity to foist it upon us by not turning out is not the answer. But this is still not a great reason for the other; it’s a totally negative reason and there are still no clear benefits to spoiling. It doesn’t actually tackle the problems any more than refusing to vote.

As it happens, this isn’t just a theoretical problem where I live. My electoral ward elects three councillors, yet the only parties that are putting up three candidates are Labour, the Conservatives and the Respect mob. Hilariously, the solitary Lib Dem candidate (who I might have considered voting for) was nominated by someone who doesn’t turn 18 until after the election and has been disqualified by the Returning Officer. There are no Greens, only a Christian People’s Alliance (creepily, they have targeted the entire borough of Newham, as if we are the ones most desperately in need of salvation) and a mysterious Independent candidate.

So I’m faced with not being able to vote for a party I would want to since I turned 18. Even if I did vote Tory as an anti-Labour gesture (which would not be of any great consequence as the ward’s a Labour shoo-in with Respect coming second), it still means one more vote for that smug, vacuous, idea-barren stuffed shirt Cameron to claim as part of his support, and I can’t bring myself to do that. So I’m having to square myself with the least terrible option of spoiling, the only hope I have of not being totally disenfranchised.

I shouldn’t fret too much. It’s just a local election; and in any case the ballot box is only part of the greater whole of democracy. But it’s a pretty important part. It makes me feel angry, and spoiling my vote doesn’t do enough in conveying or assuaging that anger.

I’ve been toying with the idea of getting my grubby mitts on a Nabaztag (pictured right). A Nabaztag is a WiFi-equipped robot bunny that can keep you up to date with news, weather, emails, RSS feeds, messages etc. by glowing and wiggling its ears. You can even hack your own apps for it, apparently. Ben Hammersley has one and has linked to some services and apps being created for it.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the quirky little Nabaztag is a French creation, and perhaps this is one of the drawbacks - some of the useful services are only available within France at the moment. And having flipped through the English documentation on the website, I’ve been left a bit wanting on the technical information front.

Still - they look fab. And alright, I know it’s a gimmick. But it’s a very cute gimmick. I mean, the ears can move! Look at him, he’s adorable. It’s almost too hard to say no…

Apart from being reminded of an episode of the marvellous yet underrated sitcom 15 Stories High, all this fuss over a dead swan has also left me distinctly underwhelmed. At the moment, you practically have to have had sex with the swan to catch ‘flu off it, and trying to stop wildfowl from infecting each other is like trying to nail jelly to a wall with a china hammer. So what we have is something which is almost totally harmless to humans and its spread is unpreventable. But this hasn’t stopped the media (well, as far as I can tell from the BBC One O’Clock News) from asking everyone, from the government, to the poultry industry, the supermakets and the man in the street - “what are you going to do about it?”

Well I tell you what I’m going to do about it. Fuck-all. It’s like the asteroid-hitting-the-earth problem. There is (at the moment) a inifnitely tiny chance that it will kill us, but it really is tiny. Even eating H5N1-infected chicken is safe as long as you cook it properly (if you’re regularly eating undercooked chicken, then bird ‘flu really isn’t your biggest concern). If the big one does comes along and starts killing us off (i.e. H5N1 does mutate into a form which is easily passable to and between humans, and that’s still a big if), then there’s not much we can to stop it. Even if we vaccinate, quarantine and/or slaughter every farmed bird in the country, there are plenty of other vectors for the disease. Unlike BSE or Foot And Mouth, this isn’t a man-made problem. If evolution wants to find a way, it will find a way, which is disconcerting, but at the same time, perversely, for me it’s somewhat more assuring.

Update: As I should have known, the BBC One O’Clock News is by no means the worst offender - ITV News and Chris “I used to be on Watchdog, me” Choi always come up trumps for mindless, doom-mongering yet banal unscientific babble.

This country just gets better and better. Latest example:

Harraj Mann from Hartlepool was pulled off a London-bound flight at Durham Tees Valley Airport on March 30. He was questioned under the Terrorism Act after it’s believed his choice of music made a taxi driver suspicious. Mann was able to play his own music through the cab’s stereo on the way to his flight, but it seems the driver did not approve.
[…]
It seems The Clash’s lyrics which include “War is declared and battle come down”, alarmed the cabbie who alerted police, while Led Zeppelin’s line about “The hammer of the gods will rive our ship to new lands, to fight the horde”, probably didn’t help either.

Of foreign origin? Not from round here? Singing along harmlessly to one of the most ubiquitous, commodified English pop songs around? (It’s even been used in a Bond film, for fuck’s sake). Then you’re a suspect!

The important point to remember here is that this time, it isn’t just the police and stupid laws at fault, but the dickhead cabbie. Even after taking into account my own loathing of taxis, it’s clear was the taxi driver who sparked off this whole stupid affair. The police were probably obliged (just like ambulance staff answering a 999 caller demanding they cure his headache, or airport security responding to someone joking about half a pound of heroin up her arse) to follow through with the enquiry no matter how much of an affront to common sense it is.

Although it is absolutely right and pertinent to tackle both draconian needless laws, and unfettered police power, it’s also important to bear in mind how much a system relies on fearful, suspicious and above all stupid people. Remember, <insert fascist regime of your choice> would never have survived without ordinary, craven, spineless civilians willing to inform on others, no matter how trivial the subject; people who, whether willing supporters of the regime or not (maybe they just don’t care), let it exploit their natural prejudices, and as a result conform to and support it - be they cab drivers, shop assistants, fellow plane passengers etc. The battle to maintain a free and democratic society will not be just a matter of targeting just at those at the top, but to those they rely on to keep the current political climate going.

Sorry, I’ve been away a bit. And now I have a Bloglines inbox as long as my arm (in fact, as long as Peter Crouch’s arm). So I may just trash the week’s reading and start afresh. But here are a few incoherent, badly scrawled, thoughts on the big story of last week - the passing of the ID cards bill. We won’t get compulsive ownership of cards, but it doesn’t matter as the “compromise” still sees compulsory registration with the National Identity Register, which is the real fucking problem with the system. Thanks a fucking bunch, those members of the Lords who changed their minds and voted for this false compromise, you did your country fucking proud. Oh, and those of you who still believe that a wholly-unelected Lords is the best vanguard of democracy - fuck off, lift the wool from your eyes and realise the problems you get when you grant people power without responsibility.

Fuck, must stop swearing. Anyway, while I compose myself, make a nice cup of tea and read that leaflet on how to get an Irish passport, here are some of the best posts around: Charlie Whitaker predicts the news ahead, while Blairwatch does a quick calculation on the reliability of the system (the comments are quite good too). Longrider highlights what a total little shite Andy Burnham is, as does Flashboy.

One post that caught my attention especially was Justin, who chillingly points out that our remaining biggest ally is incompetence. And although I can see the point - we are better off that the entire system crashes and burns as quickly as possible, rather it be a long, drawn-out and expensive slow drain on the country - I still don’t like it. Actually, I should prefer the former for entirely selfish reasons - as long as the system goes tits-up before November 2013, then I don’t have to renew my passport and enroll on the stupid register. But it’s like being given the choice between frying pan and fire - either way, a lot of people are going to get stiffed over. And you’re going to be the one who foots the bill. Not really much of an ally, is it?